I hate my depression medications. They're the best I can get. They don't make me feel like a zombie, like all the others I've tried, yet they pull a veil over my emotions.
The best way I can describe them is like water wings. I can't drown, or sink, but I can't go deep, or even put my head under water. I have to stay in the shallow end. I have to be shallow. I don't care about the deeper planes of existence, and I can't seem to focus on what really matters. In short, they put me on the same level as the majority of humanity. ICKY.
My I.Q. is at any point in time somewhere between 154 and 163, according to federal tests. I should be pulling top grades, while figuring out solutions to the world's problems and talking to animals. But I'm not. Instead I'm playing mindless games, watching TV, surfing the Internet, and reading Cosmo, all the while screaming inside. I despise what I have become. If someone were to describe me to myself, I'd never want to know me.
I feel like I'm splitting in half, ripping in two. It's like watching yourself go about every day life, only the real you is under water. I know why geniuses turn to drugs. It's to drown out all the noise and intensity of life. Some people just can't handle it.
On another note entirely, I have spring fever. Just today I started germinating 10 different kinds of seeds. It's early, but I want a jump start. Hopefully my Dad will come over this spring to help me actually take care of the Garden.
