EUREKA!

I think it finally happened! My depressed streak is over! I've been happy and not bitchy for 5 days in a row!

It could just be Christmas, it could be Mom's ghost looking after me, and it could be that posting about it opened my eyes and finally broke the weird spell that was over me. I don't really care, I'm just thankful and happy and and and... YAY!


Also, I'm finally in the Christmas spirit.

Have I forgotten?

Do you see the beauty in the little things? I think I may have forgotten to take joy out of my own existence. I'm going through life on metaphorical cruise control. I'm trying not to let anything affect me, but I forgot that it means not stopping to smell the roses, as it were.
I just read a blog post from a friend of mine. She seemed so happy to record a little recipe. At this late hour, things seem more significant to me, so it jolted me into a small window of clarity. 'Twer it me, I would have seen that act as a chore. I say I enjoy cooking, but the past few months I admit I have not been myself. Even though that act would potentially make multiple people happy, I only pretend to enjoy it on the surface.

Have I lost the ability to be truly happy, or just lost the will?

I am irritated more often than not. Or hopeless. Or holding back fury. Or, most of all, jaded and cynical and stony-eyed. Being with loved ones only makes me act happy because it is the customary, ingrained response. A joke will make me laugh, but it isn't a true expression of joy. Just a reflex.

What do I have to do to wake up? To see the stunning grace and innocence in life again?  To be pleased?

I think perhaps a deep conversation will help. But Dad is just as bad as me and I don't think he's come to the same realization as me. My husband doesn't go beyond the shallow, surface talks much anymore, if at all. My sister, perhaps, if she weren't in school full time AND working part time. Plus for all her triumphs, she is still so young, and doesn't understand my situation, I think.

For now I will try to surround myself with things that used to make me happy. Additionally, I will try to snap myself out of my day-to-day veil of apathy and really see what is in front of me.

Oh! And Merry Christmas.

Student Loans, Novels, and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

Student Loans

   I owe about 25,000 to the government for my 1 and 1/2 years of college education. I stopped going because it was much too expensive. Every time I signed a student loan agreement I felt like I was signing away my soul. I just got it all sorted out and deferred for six more months. Couldn't ignore it anymore. Stupid private colleges. Stupid love of animals forcing me to want to have a career working with them. Speaking of careers, I need more money. I might have to take a second job, especially if I'm moving out soon.

 

Novels

   I was talking with my Mommy today, like I do when I'm alone. She doesn't actually answer me, but it makes me feel better to imagine her in the room listening to my woes, then giving myself advice that I imagine she'd give. I was basically asking what to do about my situation, and I heard myself-as-Mom reminding me that I had God-given talents and I should use them. Writing. Anyone can self-publish an e-book nowadays. I have the story in my head, I should just type it up.

   Why not? I have plenty of free time in the evenings, I can type what ever I feel like, then sort it all out in chronological order. Plus! Figure my book sells for 7.99 online. Three of that would go to the selling company, and since I don't have any printing costs or publishing company fees, I'd make a profit of about $2 per book minus taxes and other fees. Well, then let's sell 10,000 books online. Not a best-seller, but respectable. That's 20,000 in my pocket. Not bad extra money.

 

The Partridge

   My dear, sweet father in law is kicking us out. He's selling the house in spring, and if we don't find a HOUSE to live in, we're screwed. Even just a studio apartment with no bedroom is $500 a month around these parts. Together, Kibbin and I are making roughly $1200 per month. Bills as of now are about $400, and gas and other expenses add up pretty quickly. We need to find a house. I hope our credit is good enough, but I wouldn't count on it. A mortgage on a decent 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom home would be around 700-900 per month depending on interest rates and all that jazz. Add my father and sister paying rent of $500 per month for use of 2 of the bedrooms, and we're down to 200-400 per month. Cheaper than an apartment. We'll be able to manage household bills with the extra money. Plus, if we have a good enough basement, we can add in another roomate for less, like $200. Then it would just fall on us to pay the property tax and whatnot, and we can finally begin saving up for a dream house AND paying off some student loans. I just need my credit to go through for financing. 

Living on a Prayer!

Oh boy.. winter... yay...

Fuckin' Snow

 

 

Oh, the weather outside is frightful,

But corporate is being spiteful,

And since there's a foot of snow,

Let me go, let me go, LET ME GO!

 

 

My boss was pretty mad today. She lives a good hour away from work and she wanted a bit of daylight left so she could drive home. We were both praying that a call would come in from the district manager, saying we could close the store early and go home. No such luck. We had a total of five customers in the store. You'd have to be a lunatic to want to shop on a day like today. My boss was tramping around the empty store all afternoon, yelling at some points and laughing at others. She was SO mad at Turkey. Turkey lives 5 minutes away from work, and as a good decent person should have offered to close the store for my boss when she came in. Hell, even I offered to close up by myself so she could get home.

 

On another note, I want to take a bubble bath. All warm and cozy, suspended in fragrant bubbles. It must be reminiscent of the womb.

 

Luna is a snow cat. Last year we couldn't keep her in the house. Every time the door opened she'd bolt out to frolic in the powdery snow. It's pretty cute, but annoying. One time we didn't notice she'd escaped, and five minutes later she was yowling because her little paws got too cold. I spent maybe fifteen minutes holding a lukewarm cloth to each of her feet to make sure she didn't get frostbitten.

 

 

Photo courtesy of Kari Mathias

For Once, No Bad News

I Hope.

 

 

So I guess it's the holday season again. Joy, rapture, peace on earth, people trampling each other for a five dollar set of lotion. You know, Christmas.

 

I don't have anything to complain about right now. I feel like I should be wallowing in self-pity like a water buffalo in three feet of swamp mud. I mean, this is my first Christmas without Mommy.

 

She always made it special, you know?