Butterfly

Last weekend on my anniversary trip with Kibbin I had to drive down a rural highway to get to the apple orchard. On the way I hit 7 butterflies with my car. I didn't think it would impact me much, but I almost started crying after the second one. They are so innocent and beautiful, and the symbolism of running them down was almost too much to bear right then.

I saved a honeybee, too. It decided to land on the bag of apples I was carrying, and normally my instinct is to scream bloody murder and either chuck the bag away or plead with Kibbin to kill the offending insect. This time, though, I remembered that honeybees are dying from an unknown disease and that they rarely sting due to the lethality. So I actually offered it my finger, it crawled on to my hand, and I let it off on an apple tree. A tender moment to cherish life, in my opinion.

I've been furious with my dear husband lately. It seemed he didn't want to spend time with me. However, we had a long conversation, my voice was raised and promptly lowered, a tear was shed, and finally we took a shower together and I forgave him. This happens a lot.

Yesterday and today I didn't want to get out of bed. So I didn't. This is the only perk of being employed part-time and taking your college courses online. The ONLY perk.

Lately I've felt like a female lion. The male only comes around for sex and to keep the other males away. Eh. Grawr.

Going Gaga

Kibbin and his friend C have been listening to Lady Gaga nonstop for the past week or so. It was fine at first, I enjoy her music. But after Day 3 or so of "Ale-ale-jandro" and "I want your love and I want your revenge" and don't for get "p-p-pokerrr face" I want to strangle the life out of her. I can't get the tunes out of my head.

Things got weird with Jkitty. She wanted me to text her when I was ready and I did, but then she was not herself with me. I read her blog and I understand why, but still. It kinda hurt, and I wasn't expecting that.

Had a pregnancy scare. I haven't had my period since July, so I took the little pee test. Negative, thank GAWD. I couldn't handle being pregnant. I have a friend in Alaska who would take the baby if I wanted to give it up for adoption, though. Honestly, I think it's all the stress fucking with my body.

I'm having some relationship problems with Kibbin. Even though this blog is personal, I'm not comfortable discussing those issues without his permission.

It was our One Year anniversary on the 12th. I tried to make him happy by buying him a bunch of lottery tickets. Still have yet to receive a present from him. That makes me sad.

Luna spent the day with A and her mother and brother. Dinah got fixed. Now Luna is sleeping at my feet, which she has been doing a lot lately.

I kind of want to just snap and go crazy and wind upin a mental hospital. But don't we all?

 

For Jkitty.

Yes, I was avoiding you, and it's because even though I consider myself strong, I cannot force myself to face you. I can't do it. I tried. I can't just be friends with benefits. I love you, but I can't have you. You are so wonderful, and so special to me. The thought of hearing your voice is torture. And not the good kind.
Even though we spent just a little time together, it was so intense, and unique in a way I can't explain. I don't want to hurt you any more than I have. If you called and I heard you, I would break down and go away. I don't know who would replace me, but for a few days everyone would be confused.
I'm more sorry for this than I have been for anything else. Damn that jealous man. And Damn me too for thinking he could handle anything other than a fuck buddy. Give me some time and maybe I'll find the balls to talk to you again. Only if you want me to, though.

As for why I made the blog private for a few days, it was because some nosy people in my family saw the blog and didn't actually ask me about it but went straight to my father and asked if I needed psychiatric help. Honestly, people. Get your facts first hand, like you always tell me to.

Eh.

Kibbin has a friend over and they are playing WoW - World of Warcraft. He's kind of obsessed.

Last Friday My FIL found out that I was hiding Luna up in my room. Luckily his girlfriend M was there and she actually persuaded him to let me keep her!! I now have a kitten of my very own. To love for the rest of her life.

Wish I could quit my job. There's too much tension between me and A. An asshole that works there. He is such a prick. If I were to let my crazy side out, he would be the first or second on my list of people to kill horribly and slowly.