Secrets and Confessions

I couldn't care less if I never met a new person in my entire life.

I watch porn more than my husband.

More than anything I wish Neko girls were real, and that I had cat ears and a tail.

When strangers tell me about losing a loved one, I want to laugh. Sure, your 80-year-old husband died. He was 80. My mom didn't get a chance to be that old.

I have one very sick turn-on.

I LIKE being drunk. It makes me feel sexy. I'm not stupid, fall-down, slurry drunk, I just giggle.

I can't take ice cubes out of the freezer without dropping one. It happens every time.

I'm still not sure if I want to have children, but I have convinced my husband that I want them.

I adore overweight men. That is my type.

I can't get over the fact that either I don't really love anyone, or I'm in love with more than one person.

I want to be irresistible.

I have stayed up until 3-4 in the morning looking at gory pictures of murders and accidents. One video was a cat being burned alive. That video haunted me more than all the others combined.

I cannot walk down stairs without counting them. If I try, I break out into a cold sweat and become very nervous.

I feel that I care more about animals than I do for people. I'd save a cat before I'd save a stranger.

I want to be shared. I want my husband to be turned on by watching me dress, or seeing me flirt with someone else.

I have seriously considered homicide and suicide.

I would like to be a pampered house cat.

I can't sleep with the lights on.

I have never been dumped. I have also never been turned down for sex.

I steal once in a while when I go to Walmart. Part of me justifies it because they are a big soul-sucking corporation.

I saved my favorite toys from my childhood for my future children to use. Then again, what will I do with them if I don't have kids?

I want to win the lottery. I want to come into a lot of money without having to do a damn thing for it. That would show everyone who told me I had to work hard to succeed.



If I think of more, I'll post them.

Musings and Whatnot

I should write more on my story. I kinda need to get that done, so I can send it away to an editor and a publisher and make monies. Lotsa monies.

Sent my taxes in. I thought I was only getting 200 back, but I'm getting 400. Sadly most of that will go to my credit card, I'm sure.

So, Catholics practice Lent, which means giving something nice up in reverence to Jesus's sufferings during the 40 days before Easter. I gave up masturbating. It's only day 3 but it's a struggle. I think I do it because I'm bored, hahaha. Oh well.

 

 

I'm going to go make hand-made bread. Yay!

We're just two lost souls swimmin' in a fish bowl

Apparently I'm hot. I was flirted with a LOT these past two weeks. Is it confidence, or pheromones? Probably both. I feel sexy, anyhow.

Since Thursday, January 24th:
 First an old boyfriend, then two boys from a Magic tournament. Then quite a few guys at a bar. A worker at Cub.
A wink while driving, one of Kibbin's friends. A guy at work, then both men from Jimmy Johns just today.

It may BE pheromones, considering no noticed flirtations from women.

Remember the episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation called "The Perfect Mate"?
Well the woman comes aboard that gives off huge amounts of pheromones, and is empathic so she knows what every male wants. That's how I feel. It's crazy, I haven't been this sought after since I was single.

Scretly I'm loving every second of it.

I've heard this image is a LOT of men's "perfect woman".
Of course, most of these men are on the internet and have weird fetishes.

Writing

It seems like my writing is going well, in spurts. I have my main character, and I have an incomplete synopsis of the first book.

My father in law put the house up for sale today. My credit is too poor to buy my own place. Now I just need to convince him to let me and Kibbin buy the house. It sucks, but I guess it's better than being on the street.

EUREKA!

I think it finally happened! My depressed streak is over! I've been happy and not bitchy for 5 days in a row!

It could just be Christmas, it could be Mom's ghost looking after me, and it could be that posting about it opened my eyes and finally broke the weird spell that was over me. I don't really care, I'm just thankful and happy and and and... YAY!


Also, I'm finally in the Christmas spirit.

Have I forgotten?

Do you see the beauty in the little things? I think I may have forgotten to take joy out of my own existence. I'm going through life on metaphorical cruise control. I'm trying not to let anything affect me, but I forgot that it means not stopping to smell the roses, as it were.
I just read a blog post from a friend of mine. She seemed so happy to record a little recipe. At this late hour, things seem more significant to me, so it jolted me into a small window of clarity. 'Twer it me, I would have seen that act as a chore. I say I enjoy cooking, but the past few months I admit I have not been myself. Even though that act would potentially make multiple people happy, I only pretend to enjoy it on the surface.

Have I lost the ability to be truly happy, or just lost the will?

I am irritated more often than not. Or hopeless. Or holding back fury. Or, most of all, jaded and cynical and stony-eyed. Being with loved ones only makes me act happy because it is the customary, ingrained response. A joke will make me laugh, but it isn't a true expression of joy. Just a reflex.

What do I have to do to wake up? To see the stunning grace and innocence in life again?  To be pleased?

I think perhaps a deep conversation will help. But Dad is just as bad as me and I don't think he's come to the same realization as me. My husband doesn't go beyond the shallow, surface talks much anymore, if at all. My sister, perhaps, if she weren't in school full time AND working part time. Plus for all her triumphs, she is still so young, and doesn't understand my situation, I think.

For now I will try to surround myself with things that used to make me happy. Additionally, I will try to snap myself out of my day-to-day veil of apathy and really see what is in front of me.

Oh! And Merry Christmas.

Student Loans, Novels, and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

Student Loans

   I owe about 25,000 to the government for my 1 and 1/2 years of college education. I stopped going because it was much too expensive. Every time I signed a student loan agreement I felt like I was signing away my soul. I just got it all sorted out and deferred for six more months. Couldn't ignore it anymore. Stupid private colleges. Stupid love of animals forcing me to want to have a career working with them. Speaking of careers, I need more money. I might have to take a second job, especially if I'm moving out soon.

 

Novels

   I was talking with my Mommy today, like I do when I'm alone. She doesn't actually answer me, but it makes me feel better to imagine her in the room listening to my woes, then giving myself advice that I imagine she'd give. I was basically asking what to do about my situation, and I heard myself-as-Mom reminding me that I had God-given talents and I should use them. Writing. Anyone can self-publish an e-book nowadays. I have the story in my head, I should just type it up.

   Why not? I have plenty of free time in the evenings, I can type what ever I feel like, then sort it all out in chronological order. Plus! Figure my book sells for 7.99 online. Three of that would go to the selling company, and since I don't have any printing costs or publishing company fees, I'd make a profit of about $2 per book minus taxes and other fees. Well, then let's sell 10,000 books online. Not a best-seller, but respectable. That's 20,000 in my pocket. Not bad extra money.

 

The Partridge

   My dear, sweet father in law is kicking us out. He's selling the house in spring, and if we don't find a HOUSE to live in, we're screwed. Even just a studio apartment with no bedroom is $500 a month around these parts. Together, Kibbin and I are making roughly $1200 per month. Bills as of now are about $400, and gas and other expenses add up pretty quickly. We need to find a house. I hope our credit is good enough, but I wouldn't count on it. A mortgage on a decent 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom home would be around 700-900 per month depending on interest rates and all that jazz. Add my father and sister paying rent of $500 per month for use of 2 of the bedrooms, and we're down to 200-400 per month. Cheaper than an apartment. We'll be able to manage household bills with the extra money. Plus, if we have a good enough basement, we can add in another roomate for less, like $200. Then it would just fall on us to pay the property tax and whatnot, and we can finally begin saving up for a dream house AND paying off some student loans. I just need my credit to go through for financing. 

Living on a Prayer!