Independance

What do you call a multitude of rabbits doing the waltz?
Abundance. (A-Bun-Dance)


I need to stop letting Kibbin run my life. I am not, nor will I ever be, a slave. I am my own woman. Free as a falcon circling the world.

I never should have left Jkitty. I feel so.. drawn to her. It's like I have what I think she needs, I can give that to her, and I want to be there with her. Buuuuuut.... there's my husband. I made a promise to be bonded to him first and foremost. If I had only met Jkitty a DAY before I got married.

I spent the night at my parent's house on Saturday. Mum has cancer, and she isn't handling the chemotherapy well. She's sleeping 20 hours a day, or mostly dozing. The strange part is she talks in her sleep. And we can't tell whether she's dream-talking or just talking in a tired voice. If we ignore it and she's really speaking, she starts to cry and ask why we're being so cruel. That breaks my heart. But if we respond and she's really asleep, she wakes up and looks around dazed asking "What?" for 15-20 seconds until she falls asleep again. This is really hard for me, and I don't even live there anymore.

Daddy's taking it hard too. Can you imagine watching your partner, your lover, your better half slowly die in front of you? The one person who is so close to you you can't imagine life without them? Wasting away, sick, barely remembering what year it is? So his way of coping is to get mad. He yells at nothing, bangs his fists on tables, and tiniest thing sets him off. He feels... powerless. Useless, and hopeless.

I find it hardest for my little sister. She has to deal with Mum, and Daddy. And she's just 14, the poor thing. She got a C in her health class, and Daddy grounded her for two weeks. I was praised for C's. She deals with Mum's cancer by being with her friends, and by talking. And he just takes that away. What is she supposed to do now? I swear that girl is gonna have a meltdown, and soon.

When Mum was sick the first time back is 2005, I dealt with it by self-mutilation, drugs, and humor. I cut myself with razorwire or broken glass. I tried to kill myself a few times. Had a stay in a mental hospital. I smoked weed, I drank, I even tryed some hallucinogenic drugs. Was never addicted, I just did it when things got too hard. When I wasn't doing that, I made jokes. I tried to lift everyone's spirits because we all knew she was going to get better at least.

Not this time. She has 3 to 5 years left. She might make it to 10, but they aren't optimistic. I cry at night when no one's awake. I still think about harming myself, making deals with God, or turning to drugs again to dull my soul. I can honestly say that I would sacrifice myself for my mother. Hell, I'd do it for a stranger.
Sometimes I think my life means nothing, and that I was meant to die for someone else. I'm not sad about it at all. I just think strange things.