Is there anybody... out there?
Let's continue on my line of ever deepening internal turmoil. Shall we? It's been 8 months now since my mother passed. Pippin, dear heart, passed away on the 13th of January.
I got my sister a kitten in August. She named him Nigel. He's a cute orange and white marshmallow fluff of a kitten. He cost 200 dollars but since she's still exclaiming her happiness to the world, it was well worth it.
Instead of bettering myself, focusing on school, work, my relationships, family, friends, or any other productive activity, I've been dealing with my grief by burying it and playing video games to numb my mind. If Kibbin weren't so vehemently against drugs and alcohol I would be using all of them, I'm sure.
I've also been having issues with body image, more so than usual. I work at a plus-sized clothing shop for women. I'm on the small side of that scale. 1-2x. When I started working there I was easily a 2, but in the last few months I've dropped from a 26 to a 22 in pants, and a 22 to an 18 in tops. I should be happy, but I'm at the point where it's not enough.
Some days I look at myself and I'm surprised how good I look. Then later in the day I'll catch myself in a mirror and almost cry at the horribly fat and ugly monster I see reflected at me. I try to reassure myself: "At least you're not a 5x!" "You're losing weight, just keep it up."
But it never works. I go home and stress. Then when no one is looking I eat something that makes me feel better and worse at the same time. I'm on the Sensa diet now, but I don't think it's working. The idea behind it is the crystals you sprinkle on your food enhance the flavors you eat. It tricks your body into thinking that you ate more than you did, so you feel satisfied quicker. This is a wonderful premise and if I were in my normal state of mind it would work. But now I'm eating just for the comfort of having food pass my lips and the satisfying feeling of chewing and swallowing. I do it even when I'm not hungry, even when I'm full. So that diet plan fails. It's a struggle to eat right when the only thing the food shelf gives you is carbs and boxed dinners that don't expire until who knows when.
I owe 25,000 dollars to the government for my student loans. Even with deferment I will still owe them in a year. Then what? Income-based payments? Well I am not making enough to pay my bills at the moment, much less any extra money. Wage garnishments if I just refuse to pay? Well then I'll never get my own place.
I'm so done. I'm on the edge of giving up every day. Every day it's another bill, another notice of repayment. I miss my Mom every single fucking day. If she were here and healthy she would know what to do.
Dad is no help anymore. I think he just gave up, too. He's dating this redneck bitch that is drunk every day and is a horrible influence on him. My sister hates her too. How could my father, the man I saw as part hero, part scare story, fall this low? Is he that desperate for female companionship that he would take a woman that lost her children, didn't ever want to be a mother, is selfish, dumb, uneducated, and has no will to better herself? It blows my mind.
Well, on the plus side, my boss offered me a small promotion.
I just give up. Today. Tomorrow will be a brand new chance
For unexpected pleasures and bitter disappointments.
C'est la vie.
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